Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
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Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.