4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
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wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
philosophical skeletons be like
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
This story is comedy gold 😂