Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
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When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.