It’s the weekend y’all
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.