“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Growing out my freckles.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Mmmm canned fish.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.