2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
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“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?