My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Pringles
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.