Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
You Might Also Like
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Put this video in the Louvre
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Me irl
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time