Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
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The Assassin.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him