I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
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she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.