Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
How I’d get arrested…
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop