[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
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You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down