Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
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if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.