*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
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1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Lol.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.