Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
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Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed