How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
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the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Mornin. * use accordingly
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I missed you with all my darts
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
LMAO
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Seems a bit forward
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL