*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
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Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!