When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
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5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Who called it baking and not making love
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly