Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
You Might Also Like
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.