Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Mornin
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
felt that
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.