HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
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Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.