People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
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If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Why am I like this?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Yes
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one