We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
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bias laundering edition
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”