“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
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cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
That’s fair
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender