I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
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[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Lmfao
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people