If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
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I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY