Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
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Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Feel. He’s so soft.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*