I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
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I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*