Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
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Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”