Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
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Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.