4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
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I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Vodka burrito was a success
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.