My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
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Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.