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These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.