I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
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I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
In case you needed to hear it:
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts