Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
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@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.