Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
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Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
No way!
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.