My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
You Might Also Like
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I can’t be the only one 😂
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
sigh
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs