People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
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Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind