The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
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5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.