Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
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If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
He wanted to make sure😂