Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
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I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.