My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
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Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.