Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
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I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
How your email finds me
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.