If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
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I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
thinking about a very short hotdog
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*