tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
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Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Something Saturday.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
oh you wanna fight?!
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.