America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
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Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.