Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
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It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.