BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
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No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.