[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
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Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.