Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
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Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
what does he know…
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.